You Belong In Those Rooms

“Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it.

Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.”

- Steve Jobs

I’ve recently been seeing many social media posts from friends who attended Cannes Lions, the world’s largest and most prestigious annual gathering for advertising, marketing and creative communications industries, that is held in Cannes, France. It looks exactly like it sounds, big budget parties and soirees on the French Riviera with celebrities and influencers. It’s a place where advertising executives and social media influencers are hanging out with Oprah, EJAE and Kevin Durant. It’s one giant networking event where brand deals are cut and where valuable connections are made. Most people believe these events are impactful because you’re meeting important people at exclusive parties. What is far more powerful and transformative is the moment when you realize that you have always belonged in those same rooms.

Making Yourself Bigger

Cat Goetze (askcatgpt), a social media influencer, compared going to Cannes Lions to attending Stanford. Many people who have not experienced both or either might think that this is an absurd statement. I haven’t been to Cannes Lions, but I’ve had many similar experiences like the Milken Global Conference among others. And I think her assessment is accurate.

When I was accepted to Stanford business school, I thought that it had to be a mistake and that I didn’t deserve to be there. I suffered from self-inflicted imposter syndrome, and believed that I didn’t belong in a class of such incredibly accomplished people. But when I finally got there, I realized that I was just as capable as anyone else in my class of doing great things. I learned that even the most accomplished people have insecurities and flaws. It was as if I was a teenager wearing an adult suit that didn’t fit well, and I grew into the suit. My brain was rewired into believing that anything was possible, just because I was in the same classrooms with others who believed that to be true. Even the professors were telling us the same, teaching us through stories of regular people who accomplished great things in case study after case study. Our brains were rewired to believe in ourselves and take bold risks in life. It helped to have a cohort of peers who shared that unique experience and belief as we graduated together to the real world.

Attending conferences or events like Cannes Lions or Milken, you have a similar experience. Perhaps not as extended as two years of business school, but a powerful condensed version. You are chatting at cocktail parties with world class athletes and celebrities and sitting at panels next to prominent executives and billionaires. You are literally in the same room as some of the most successful people in the world. At first, your instinct might be to shrink and act like a wallflower, because you think you’re a fraud and shouldn’t be there. But once you realize that there was a reason you were invited to be in that same room, something clicks. You were invited to be in the same place that they are. You are not there by mistake. Those people are not better than you. You have just as much value as they do. You might bring something different to the table, but you are sitting at the same table.

Once you’re over your pinch yourself moments, it starts to sink in that you belong. And your view of yourself changes. You start to feel a little bigger and more confident. Your aspirations grow and your ceiling for yourself starts to rise. A funny thing happens when you allow yourself to grow to your full potential. Other people notice, and they start to invite you to more of these rooms. And as you build more connections and confidence, you start to see opportunities materialize that weren’t there before. New levels of the game appear before your eyes. You are no longer bound by the same self-imposed limits of what is possible.

Making Yourself Smaller

My friend Yul Kwon has had one of the most circuitous careers of anyone I’ve ever met. Growing up, he was a shy and scrawny Korean kid in Concord, California. He went to Stanford and while he was there his childhood friend and roommate, Evan, was diagnosed with terminal leukemia. Yul organized a nationwide bone marrow campaign to help find a bone marrow donor and successfully found a match. Sadly, the procedure ultimately failed and Evan died two years later. Yul would go on to graduate from Yale Law School, before working as an aide to U.S. Senator Joseph Lieberman and clerking for a Appellate Court. Instead of joining a law firm, he went into the private sector and was a consultant for McKinsey and worked in strategy at Google. He essentially had the resume of every Asian American parent’s wildest dreams and every Asian American kids worst nightmare.

In 2006, Yul was recruited to compete on the thirteenth season of Survivor. He ended up winning Survivor: Cook Islands. He became an instant celebrity and a high profile Asian American. After his victory, he lectured at the FBI Academy while also becoming a Red Mango frozen yogurt franchisee. He ended up taking a job as Deputy Chief at the FCC, before taking a year off to host the PBS series America Revealed and become a news host on LinkAsia. In 2013, he returned to Silicon Valley and became a product management director at Facebook and is now a VP of Product at Google.

Needless to say, Yul has seen a lot more than most people in his lifetime. He has had exposure to medicine, law, business, technology, entertainment, and government throughout his career. We caught up recently, and he brought up an interesting observation: When given a role that is big, Asian Americans will step up and grow into the role. They will rise to the occasion to meet the demands of the position. Alternatively, when they are given a role that is too small for them, they will shrink themselves to fit that role. Rather than show their true ability or shine beyond the role, they will make themselves small to accommodate their managers and peers.

Because so many Asians are raised to follow the rules and accommodate others, they are not comfortable with pushing boundaries or crossing lines. It’s a transactional mentality of “do the task that you were asked to do, no matter how big or small, and don’t complain or ask questions about it.” That translates extremely poorly to the workplace, where if you are overqualified for a job, you don’t say anything. You accept what is given to you and hope that someone will give you more. You essentially wait for permission to live up to your full potential, instead of giving yourself permission.

So many people think that we are limited by our capabilities and talent, when in reality it is our belief in ourselves that holds us captive more than anything. When you don’t give yourself permission to take risks or to fail, how can you succeed? When you make yourself smaller to fit in someone else’s box, you are only cheating yourself. You cannot accept being a victim, because you have the agency to break out of that box. Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies. Not everyone will get to attend Cannes Lions or Stanford, but hopefully they will get to experience a similar unlock at some point in their lives.

Find your way into the right rooms and I guarantee you will never be able to look back again.