Make Way for Yourself

Always being so polite and deferential can be misperceived as weakness, start taking up the space you deserve, literally and figuratively

All of my life, I have always been the one to step to the side whenever someone was walking towards me in my path. I was always the one giving way to others because it was in my nature to make way for the other person. One day, I realized this and decided not to do that any longer and it was extremely empowering and eye-opening. I found that some people were actually surprised or even shocked when I didn’t move out of their way. They actually assumed that I should be the one to move aside, as if only they were entitled to walk straight and unfettered. Imagine walking through life with the confidence to always believe that you are the one that shouldn’t have to make way for others all the time? Try it sometime and see how liberating it is. Just stop in your path when someone is walking directly toward you and see what happens. You will no doubt end up in some collisions or stare downs, but try it as a personal experiment. This is what it means to literally take up the space that you deserve, instead of making yourself small to accommodate others all the time. You might even get some “Why don’t you watch where you’re going!?” reactions, but you can ask the same question right back to them. As Asians, we are taught to always be courteous and think about others first, even if it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable. Everyone should be raised to be thoughtful and empathetic. But you can still do that without acting or feeling like a doormat. People will treat you as beneath them if you always let them do so. Stop acting like it’s your responsibility to move out of others way.

“Moving out of the way” happens all the time in work meetings. Whether it’s on a Zoom call or in a conference room, when you have something insightful to say and someone speaks up at the same time or interrupts you, do you immediately let them speak first? The people who commonly speak up the most and monopolize team discussions are the ones who will be seen as leaders (regardless of how competent they are). Stop being courteous and letting others speak over you. If you have something important or valuable to say, be assertive and take up the airtime, because the conversation will likely move on, and your opportunity will be missed. To get ahead in business, you need your superiors to see you and be aware of your value and contributions. Don’t worry about seeming rude when you try to speak up, because the other person didn’t so why should you?

Being raised in a Taiwanese American household, it was impolite not to show deference to someone who was your elder. It was rude and demonstrated a lack of manners or 禮貌 (lĭ mào). Li mao indicates that when talking with others: humble oneself but show respect to other. Denigrating oneself and respecting others remains at the core of the modern conception of li mao. Li mao is the code of conduct that Chinese kids are supposed to live by. We are scolded by our parents when we break that code with 没有礼貌 (mei you li mao or “you have no manners”). The problem is that it doesn’t work when not everyone in a society abides by the same code. In Western countries, if you humble and denigrate yourself, it can be misinterpreted as being meek and subservient. If you are constantly relenting and deferring to people out of respect, people will take advantage of you. In a society that is individualistic and “every man for themself,” then you will get eaten alive for behaving “less than.”

“故木秀于林，风必摧之；堆出于岸，流必湍之；行高于人，众必非之。”
“Therefore, if a tree is much taller than the rest of the forest, the wind will blow it down. If a mound protrudes from the shore, the water will corrode it. If you act superior to others, you will become the next target.”

In Chinese culture there’s a concept of 客氣 (kè qì) or being polite. It is the proper way of treating others. The notion comes from the host-guest relationship. “Ke” in Chinese means guest. The literal meaning of ke qi is “the act of guest” or “the act of courtesy.” It refers to a host making a guest feel at home, and the guest returning that courtesy by not imposing on the host. The host shows keqi by going out of their way to make the guest feel comfortable, respected and valued. Ke qi is a ritual for Chinese people to maintain a harmonious relationship and transfers the host-guest relationship when addressing a superior, a senior person, or a colleague or friend who has done you a favor. It embodies the values of modesty and humility. So boasting about one’s achievements or taking credit in front of others is frowned upon and considered rude and embarrassing.

“The virtue of Chinese modesty, when overdone, can create problems in intercultural communications settings. North Americans sometimes have a hard time interpreting the modesty valued by Chinese. For example, when a Chinese person is commended for speaking excellent English by an American, the Chinese responded, "No, my English is not good and still needs to be improved," instead of saying, "Thank you." It is also noted that when North American people are capable of doing something, they will say so. Chinese people, however, will say they are not able to do something even when they are able to do it. This orientation often creates misunderstandings and misconceptions of Chinese people during intercultural communication situations. For Chinese people, observance of keqi is not only a self-presentational goal but also a skill essential to any type of interpersonal interaction.”

In Korean culture, there are multiple levels of honorifics for how you are supposed to address people politely. An honorific is a word or title you apply to a person to denote respect. A person’s age, social status, and relationship with the speaker will influence the way you address them. Very few westerners even understand the concept of honorifics, because there is rarely this type of hierarchy in Western culture. You would address your grandfather the same way you would address your youngest sibling. The closest we come in the West is the British system of official titles (lords, barons, dukes, etc.).

In Japanese culture this is known as けいご (keigo). Japanese has grammatical functions to express not only politeness but also respectfulness, humility and formality. The Japanese word for politeness is 丁寧 (teinei), but it goes beyond the English word “polite” because it applies to far more than just people and their actions. Additional meanings of the Japanese word “teinei” include courteous, careful, with care, kind and conscientious. Politeness in Japan is synonymous with respect. It is about putting others before yourself: giving them the best piece of crab, the best seat at the table, or the room with the nicest view.

During my first trip to Japan, I was traveling alone and didn’t speak any Japanese. At the end of my trip, I was taking the train to the airport and was confused by some of the messages. I showed a local sitting next to me my plane ticket and they confirmed that I was heading to the wrong airport. I was supposed to be going to Narita and I was going to Haneda! The kind local actually got off the train with me at the next stop and went back with me to Tokyo Station to help me get on the right train. This Japanese stranger disrupted their entire day, to make sure I got to my destination and I miraculously made it to my flight on time. This story is not uncommon in Japan.

In Thai culture, the phrase kreng jai. It combines two distinct words: kreng (to be afraid or fear something) and jai (of the heart or mind). Some say that the closest English equivalent to kreng jai is "kindness", while others say it could be "to have consideration for another person's feelings", "to be reluctant to offend or disturb", or "to be fearful of approaching someone". In Thailand, people who don't exhibit kreng jai are often seen as impolite, aggressive, or inconsiderate.

You get the idea, it is a common thread among Asian cultures to maintain harmony by thinking of others first and lowering yourself in order to show respect.

When Humility Becomes Humiliating

Stranger: “Your son plays piano so well!”

Mother: “Oh no, he’s not very good. He doesn’t practice enough. Did you hear that mistake he made in the second movement? So embarrassing.”

If this sounds familiar to you, you are not alone. When humility becomes humiliation, even when you’ve worked so hard and done a superb job, it can be demoralizing. And eventually you internalize it and actually believe you’re mediocre. You lose all confidence because you think that even if you try your hardest, it’s never good enough because anything less than perfection is mediocrity. Your entire sense of what is good is completely skewed, so when you present yourself in situations as an adult, you play yourself down and make yourself small to lower expectations so as not to disappoint. You have no idea how to raise your head up high and stick your chest out with pride, because you’ve been chopped down throughout your childhood. You never learned to speak highly of yourself, because you were told that was inappropriate and rude. You can’t speak pridefully because you no longer know how to feel proud. It just isn’t something you’re supposed to do according to the code of conduct in many Asian cultures that prides itself in modesty.

Chinese scholars argue that modesty can bridge the distance between two people and build a more harmonious relationship by creating trust. Modesty, humility, self-deprecation, are all ways that we make ourselves small to make someone else feel more comfortable. If someone says you did a great job on something, you should reply “Thank you!” not “Oh it’s really nothing” or “It could have been better.” By belittling your own achievements and success, you are taking away from the credit you deserve. People will actually believe that it was “no big deal” when you tell them that, even if you worked extremely hard on something. So many Asian Americans have been raised with this sense of false humility that we actually begin to consider ourselves mediocre and unable to take pride in our accomplishments, for fear that we might appear arrogant. Our own parents would knock us down in front of family and others whenever someone would praise us, that we started questioning ourselves instead of building confidence. As we got older, it translated into poor interviews, weaker resumes and job applications, and lukewarm first impressions, all because we were told that we shouldn’t shine too bright.

Where Are the Trash Cans?

The difference between Eastern and Western cultures is that the collective is elevated above the individual in the East. This is why you can’t find many public trash cans in Japan or Taiwan, because people will carry their trash all the way home. In the US, if you didn’t put public trash cans everywhere, people would just toss their trash on the sidewalk. They still do this even when there are plenty of trash cans around! The downside is that Asian cultures are more concerned about how others perceive them instead of self-perception and actualization. They are so concerned with offending others or doing something inappropriate, that they become extremely conservative and risk-averse. This obsession with saving face can be crippling because it becomes a priority over everything else, even doing what is right or necessary.

Modesty and timidity is looked down upon as weakness and lack of ambition in Western cultures. It can be misinterpreted as being submissive and subservient. In the West, you have to be unabashed to borderline shameless to make sure you stand out from the crowd. The reason why so many Indian men are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies is because they are so assertive and bold. Meanwhile, East Asians are seen as willfully accommodating. You can see this in how if you ask for directions to someone in Japan, they will literally walk with you to your destination to make sure you get there (even though they will do it begrudgingly because of the inconvenience). It is once again, this code of conduct that these cultures live by in order to maintain order and harmony.

Embrace Conflict, Don’t Avoid It

When you are raised to maintain peace and harmony with others by deferring to them or making yourself smaller to show respect, you naturally are averse to confrontations. You go out of your way to avoid conflict, because it’s not appropriate to start arguments or fights, especially not with someone who is your superior. This is why Asian cultures are notoriously labeled as passive aggressive. Asians are known to bottle up all of their feelings (anger, frustration, pain, resentment, sadness, etc.) so as not to disrupt the peace in a relationship. It is why “rocking the boat” is always frowned upon by Asian parents who raise their kids to be rule followers. The problem is that swallowing your emotions and pride constantly will cause you to choke and suffocate. It is not healthy by any means, no matter how much “harmony” is maintained. Being unafraid of confrontations and dealing with conflict head-on, leads to resolution and closure. If your boss or manager is treating you a certain way and you don’t like it, you should say something, otherwise why should you expect it to change. If your colleague is rubbing you the wrong way or taking credit for your work in meetings, speak up in the meetings or pull them aside and confront them about it. What is the worst that can happen? They can continue to bully you and walk all over you, or they can start to fear and respect you for standing up to them. It’s no different than a schoolyard playground where no one will push you around if you push back.

During my freshman year in high school, a sophomore named Scott would make racist comments to try to instigate a fight with me. Scott assumed he could say what he wanted to an Asian kid, because we don’t typically fight back, and for the most part he was probably right. We can’t take that risk and bring shame to our family. Ironically it would be losing face, even though it would save face to fight back. I did everything within myself to not throw a punch at him. I knew that if I did not control myself, that I would be punished and it would tarnish my permanent school records. It would ruin my chances of getting into my dream school and crush my parents who worked so hard for me to get this far. Day after day I tried to brush it off, until one day, it came to a head when we came face-to-face in the school hallway between classes. Someone shoved me into him from behind and he pulled out a pocket knife. Being the irrational teenager that I was, I thought I could beat him with or without the knife, because I had been a barely-trained assistant karate instructor at Chinese school on Saturday mornings who watched one too many martial arts movies. The fight was a blur and the next thing I knew, I was sitting in the principal’s office with bloody fists.

My future, or what was left of it, flashed before my eyes when I realized what I had done. I was going to be suspended from school for three days and this would show up on all of my college applications someday. It was no surprise that my mother was furious. But my father had no issues with me defending myself. He just thought it was ridiculous that the punishment in America was a vacation from school, and not cleaning toilets for the rest of the year. Luckily for me, because it was my freshman year, they eventually removed the suspension from my school record. More importantly, no one in high school ever had the nerve to mess with me again. Because once you show you are willing to stand up for yourself and won’t back down, you earn the respect of others. Once you build that muscle and that confidence to speak up or take up the space you deserve, regardless of whether or not it’s polite or appropriate, people will notice.

Asian cultures teach us valuable lessons of maintaining harmony between individuals. Codes of conduct like li mao, ke qi, teinei, and kreng jai are all meant to show courtesy and respect to others and put them above yourself. They require people to be show humility and make yourself smaller so that others can feel better and more comfortable. While this may appear to be harmonious on the outside, in actuality it is a fragile and tenuous facade. Keeping that facade intact requires pride-swallowing and passive-aggressive conflict avoidance, which is unhealthy to say the least. It never allows you to shine, because you are discouraged from shining to brightly. All of this is exacerbated in Western culture, where this behavior is misinterpreted as meekness and the opposite of what you want in a leader. It takes situational awareness to know how to balance these Asian cultural values with Western social and professional dynamics. I’m not saying you have to become an arrogant and prideful jerk, but just have situational awareness so you know when to use your voice and take up space. You can still honor your elders and parents, without being a doormat or pushover in the workplace. You can still be kind and courteous to others in public spaces without having to give way to people all the time. The important thing is to take back your power and not allow others to take it from you any more. Stop making yourself small and giving up airtime to others. Next time you walk down the sidewalk or hallway, make others move for you for once. Make way for yourself and you’ll never be the same again.