Silencing Your Inner Critic

Being raised to be perfect can lead to a lifetime of crippling self-doubt and fear of taking risks, that needs to be overcome in order to be successful.

We all grew up with someone our mom or dad would inevitably compare us to. My someone was named Oliver. He was a year older than me and he was perfect. He was tall, handsome, a three sport athlete (basketball, baseball and golf), student council vice president, National Merit Scholar and homecoming king. He was even dating the older sister of the girl I had a crush on. Of course, he would go on to attend Harvard and play on the golf team there. I never harbored any ill will towards “Ollie” because he was and is the nicest and most humble guy you will ever meet, despite all of the accolades. It wasn’t his fault that my mom (and many other Asian moms in West Windsor, New Jersey) had elevated him to this god-like pedestal. But even perfect Oliver had to contend with our other friend Steve, who was the star pitcher for the baseball team, prom king, student body president, National Merit Scholar that would go on to Princeton. Needless to say, it was not easy growing up in the shadow of these two (both figuratively and literally because they were both over 6 feet tall). We were all friends, despite our moms often treating us like trophies. While our moms made it feel like it was a zero sum game where we all had to compete with one another, we ended up helping each other along the way. I was Steve’s karate teaching assistant at Chinese school on Saturday mornings and now he’s an investor in my venture fund. And I helped Oliver get a job on my team at Yahoo! Finance. Instead of competing for a finite pie, we grew the pie bigger for all of us.

A friend of mine is a very successful partner at a top law firm, and he told me that his parents were social with Jensen Huang’s parents growing up. Imagine being compared to Jensen Huang, the CEO of Nvidia, who is now worth $80 billion and changing the world with his silicon chips!

In reality, you don’t need to be perfect in life to succeed, you just have to be good enough.

Tiger Parents are No Joke

“A B+ is an Asian F.” We are all familiar with the memes and jokes that Asian tiger parents are extremely tough on their children. Nothing less than perfection is acceptable. They aren’t happy when you scored a 97 on an exam, instead they asked what happened to the other three points. We try to laugh it off now, but the reality is that growing up this way can be debilitating later in life. While on the one hand it promotes excellence and discipline to strive for the best, on the other it creates an unhealthy fixation on being perfect and develops into a fear of failure, which can result in a fear of taking risks. Even worse, you can end up feeling like you are never good enough.

When you are raised to dwell on the three questions you got wrong instead of the 97 you got right, you focus on your deficiencies and mistakes. You need to build self-confidence in the 97 and not beat yourself up over the 3. In reality, you don’t need to be perfect in life to succeed, you just need to be good enough. If you go through life looking at your achievements as a half-empty glass, you will never be able to cultivate a growth mindset of optimism and abundance.

Lowering the Bar for Ourselves

As children we wanted more than anything to make our parents proud of us, desperately seeking their approval, which was akin to love in our eyes. But when we weren’t perfect, we felt shame and guilt for disappointing them. As a parent now myself, I can see the damage it does to a child trying to build confidence in themselves. It can make someone terrified to ever take a chance or risk, because they might fail and bring more feelings of shame. To avoid that shame, they go through life lowering the bar for themselves and doing just enough to meet expectations, never thinking of trying to exceed them.

I can think of no better illustration of this than a pair of Asian founders who recently asked for feedback on their fundraising deck. In the deck, there was a line chart forecasting their projections for growth. Instead of showing an optimistic line demonstrating confidence and success, they had a line showing the worst case scenario below the lines of the dominant incumbents. They wanted to minimize expectations because they were afraid of potentially disappointing their investors. They wanted to play it safe and avoid failure (and shame). However, no one wants to invest in founders who hedge by lowering the bar for themselves. Just as no one wants to promote someone who “meets expectations” on all of their performance reviews.

Many of our parents immigrated to this country and sacrificed so much for us to thrive here. They wanted the best for us, so they raised us how they were raised. Our parents were used to cultures that used testing and meritocracy based on grades and points to distill the “best of the best.” It’s far from a perfect methodology, but it was their way of determining how cream rises to the top. It’s the source of their scarcity mindset, because there are finite spaces at the top. You had to be perfect on your entrance exams, because a single mistake could ruin your chances of getting into a top school, which could ultimately determine the rest of your life. At least that’s what our parents believed and where they came from, it wasn’t far from the truth. It is how generations of Asian parents show love to their children, by pushing them to be the best so they could have the best outcomes. Unfortunately, this form of love often manifests itself in harsh criticism and comparison which results in self-doubt and destruction of confidence, the exact opposite of their parental intentions. Unlike our parents’ home countries in Asia, there are many more options to get an blue-chip education with more spaces at the top (not just one top university which was the end-all and be-all. Our parents didn’t understand that the American culture rewards confidence and relationship building versus pure meritocratic excellence.

To Asian immigrant parents, the concepts of “positive reinforcement” and “disposable income” are foreign. You were one of the lucky ones if you’ve ever heard the words “Great job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” from your parents. High performance and success were expected not earned. It is not surprising to grow up with an inferiority complex when the approval you seek most is rarely if ever given. That stays with you throughout your life and could become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you let it.

For some, that might mean questioning that they deserve that promotion enough to advocate for themselves or choosing not to apply for a job because they don’t think they’re qualified. For others, it could mean not sharing their product or business plan that they’ve been developing until it’s “perfect” instead of getting valuable feedback throughout the process. Your self-critic is like a cancer that metastasizes and spreads into all parts of your life. I truly believe this is why many Asians are seen as passive and not assertive enough in the workplace, because it can cripple us with self-doubt. It is a major reason why many Asians are not promoted, because we often lack the self-belief and self-confidence required to lead. Not to diminish the role of the bamboo ceiling in limiting career advancement, but we also need to acknowledge and name the things that stifle us. Despite all of the advanced degrees and perfect test scores, Asians still question whether they are good enough because of that voice in our heads from their childhood. It’s something that we need to proactively work on deprogramming so it doesn’t hold us back.

The Parable of the Second Arrow

The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”

We already suffer the pain of the first arrow when we falter or fail at something, but we do more damage to ourselves when we respond with self-blame and self-loathing. We need to be aware and avoid the second arrow when we see it coming. We need to give ourselves more compassion and grace, instead of beating ourselves up over our mistakes or failures. Otherwise we end up going quickly from “this sucks” to “I suck”. It takes time to break out of this viscous pattern of self-blame, but we need to recognize when it is happening and be intentional about silencing that critical voice. It takes time and practice to be kind to yourself when you’ve spent your whole life shooting yourself with second arrows.

How to Silence Your Inner Critic

When you’ve grown up with a parent who has criticized you for most of your young life, it’s not easy to quiet that negative voice in your head. It takes constant reminders to unlearn habits that are a part of you and to some degree got you to where you are today. It requires self-awareness and intentionality to pause every time your inner self critic is chirping in your ear. What are the consequences of this inner critic and how do you know if you have one?

• You are afraid to take chances and risks, because you might fail

• You care too much about what other people think of you

• You are unsure about speaking up in meetings or public places, because you don’t know if what you say will be wrong or not 100% accurate

• You won’t apply for a job if you don’t meet every bullet point of criteria in the job description

• You won’t start a company because you don’t think you have the experience to be successful

All of these bullet points are examples of the ways we hold ourselves back, so we can avoid failure or shame. The first step towards helping ourselves is acknowledging what ails us. The fear of rejection and disappointment paralyzes us, while simultaneously robbing us of realizing our full potential. Decades of our self-critic chirping in our ear can be debilitating. There is a lot of real childhood trauma and damage to your self-esteem that you need to resolve with yourself. Seeking coaching or professional therapy to work out these issues is my first recommendation. Everyone has unique personal experiences, and talking through them with a trusted counselor can free you from these shackles.

The fear of not being good enough is compounded by feeling like you don’t belong in certain rooms or places, so you avoid them completely. If you don’t think you deserve to be in that room, you tend to act like it and people can tell, because you’re not comfortable there. It becomes a self-fulfilling doom loop, because you aren’t going to be invited to sit at the table if you don’t believe you should be there in the first place. If you are raised to believe that if you’re not perfect it means you don’t deserve praise or acceptance, then you will always feel less than.

All hope is not lost. You can choose to avoid those rooms and tables, or you can choose to force your way in. I have seen many people successfully supercharge or pivot their careers later in life. They have reinvented themselves in their second act, regardless of their age. They have become CEOs, started their own companies or non-profits, written books, become producers, switched industries and more. Here are some ways that can be helpful in overcoming our inner-critic and raising the bar for yourself:

Know Your Superpower

When you grow up being told what your career options are: doctor, lawyer or engineer, you tend to give up on your own dreams and passions. Instead of spending time working on what you love, you are busy studying for the MCAT or LSAT to appease your immigrant parents dreams for you. You lose sight of what you’re actually good at and what your gifts are. In order to gain confidence, you need to identify what your superpower is and leverage it. To figure out what your superpower is, take inventory of the things you do well and back out why you were so effective. You can also ask for feedback from trusted managers and friends. It is also just as valuable to understand your weaknesses, so you can avoid roles or careers that won’t be optimal for your success. Play to your strengths and strategize your career accordingly.

Celebrate Your Wins

I’m almost ashamed to say that when I got into Penn in high school, that was I was both thrilled and disappointed. I had gotten into an Ivy League college, something most kids dream of, but I was upset that I hadn’t gotten into Stanford or Harvard. I was so focused on what I didn’t have and my “failure” that I didn’t celebrate my win. I spent the first year at Penn dwelling on the '“what if” and sitting on transfer applications instead of fully enjoying my college experience. I was stuck in the glass half empty.

You should always take stock of your wins and celebrate them. They are a positive reinforcement of your superpower. They help you build confidence and remind you of your success when you falter. Look back at your achievements and accomplishments, no matter how big or small, and use that as fuel. Changing your perspective on how you view yourself can dramatically alter how you approach the world.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

One reason we don’t see ourselves as winners sometimes is because we compare ourselves to impossible idols. Everything in this world is relative. If you are constantly looking up at people who you admire (or in some cases envy) or consider more successful, you will always feel less than. Our tiger parents often made us feel this way. I will never achieve what Jensen Huang has and I’m at peace with that. But I’m also at peace with the fact that I’m not Oliver or Steve either. Figure out what success looks like for you, not what others (including your parents) think it should look like. When you look at what others have, you only see what you are lacking. Instead of looking outward, start looking at your intrinsic motivations.

Communicate Often and Welcome Feedback

Maintaining continuous communication early on and asking for feedback can naturally minimize any conflict or need for approval or perfection. Coming from somewhat passive aggressive cultures (East and Southeast Asian), many of us avoid confrontation. But learning how to move a conversation or relationship past any momentary conflict or tension is a critical life skill both personally and professionally. Having hard conversations gives you thicker skin and an increased willingness to hear and accept criticism and feedback. It is also how you build honest and authentic relationships with people who can support you later on.

Seek out Mentors

We are raised to follow the rules. Our parents lived in societies that shunned and punished rule breakers. Being obedient and law-abiding was second nature, because there were severe consequences. An unfortunate by product of that is that you become afraid to do anything that might to you seem slightly inappropriate. Like asking a superior for advice on how to navigate your career. Asian cultures tend to be insular and asking for help is often seen as an admission of weakness. We need to get over that and seek out mentors. Even if you don’t have a formal mentor at your workplace, ask questions of different managers and leaders to get different takes from different people. You will always find a nugget of wisdom from those who have walked the path before you. Find mentors who will give you honest and constructive feedback that you can build on. Instead of trying to scale the mountain the most difficult possible way: vertically via the side of a cliff, find guides who can show you the shortcuts and trails that make it easier to get to the top.

Stand Out from the Crowd

A friend who is a partner at a law firm told me that when he graduated law school at the top of his class from Cornell Law, he walked into the room of associates at Sullivan and Cromwell his first day and he was the only non-white person in the class of 12. There was also one woman in the class. When you walk into a room where you’re the only one who looks like you, it’s easy to feel intimidated or like there’s something wrong with you because you’re the odd man/woman out. It’s hard to feel confident when you’re in those rooms, because you feel like you don’t belong. He had never felt that way in his life, because growing up in China he was always the star student and never experienced being the “other.” Most people don’t want to be different, but use it to your advantage and strength that you stand out from the crowd. If you feel like you have every right to be there, take your seat at the table. You can choose to make yourself small in those situations and be self-conscious about it, or you can own it and feel empowered.

Find Authentic Peer Groups

Nothing is more empowering than being with a group of peers that share their weaknesses and fears. The secret to the effectiveness of YPO, arguably the most successful and powerful network in the world, is that seemingly infallible titans of industry are able to share vulnerably with others in similar positions, about their failures as well as their success. Simply knowing that you are not alone in your struggles and challenges can be extremely liberating. It can be exhausting to put on a mask each day to hide your insecurities. It’s important to surround yourself with risk takers who get knocked down and get back up again. Being around others who don’t care what people think about them will help you care less too. Find networks and organizations that can connect you with others at a similar career stage that meet in small groups with a trained facilitator. Self-awareness is a foundational key to success and these peer groups can help you with invaluable insight and feedback.

Build a Trusted Network

I am a firm believer that nothing determines your success more than the power of your network. Who you know is more important than what you know. You could have a PhD and be a subject matter expert, but that won’t get you access into the right doors if you don’t know the right people. Be authentic and build relationships with people, because trust goes a long way. People want to work with and help people they like, period. People don’t care what degrees you have, they just want to enjoy having coffee or a meal with you. The more people you have in your trusted network, the more you will build confidence, because you know that you have their support behind you.

You are not an imposter

We all know people who have excessive confidence in their knowledge or abilities, where their skills don’t match up with their self-perception (often tied to a lack of self-awareness). This is called the Dunning-Kruger Effect. The inverse is commonly referred to as the imposter syndrome, when people underestimate their ability and discount their own skills, talents and accomplishments. These people tend to downplay themselves because they are afraid they will be exposed as “frauds” and internalize their failures (hyper self-awareness). Sound familiar? Both are opposite sides of the same coin. Reality lies somewhere in the middle, and the more we anchor ourselves to that line, the more confidence we will build in the fact that we deserve to be where we are because we earned it.

At the end of the day, we are the only ones who can control the demons and voices in our heads that haunt us. We can choose to continue beating ourselves up and making ourselves afraid of rejection or failure, or we can choose to silence those voices by building confidence and becoming more bold. Self-doubt from years of criticism can be hold you back, but only if you continue to let it. You don’t have to be perfect. You can hide in the corner listening to your self-critic tell you you’re not good enough or you can discover and use your superpower, surround yourself the right network of risk-taking peers and encouraging mentors, take stock of your wins, and stand out from the crowd to become the hero of your own story.