Stop Being So Transactional

When you live your life expecting things in return, you become short-sighted and petty. Have an abundance mindset and the returns will come in time.

If you are living your life constantly thinking about the ROI (Return on Investment) on how you spend your time or who you spend your time with, then you are doing it all wrong. Tit for tat is never a good philosophy for building relationships. People don’t build trust from transactions. If you always expect something in return or instant payback for doing someone a favor, it is highly unlikely that the party on the other end trusts you. It is short-sighted when you are constantly fixated on “what have you done for me lately” or “what’s in it for me.” No one wants a friend who only scratches your back when you scratch theirs. People are very aware when someone only reaches out to them when they need something. You don’t want to have a reputation for being a mooch or a leech.

Unconditional friendships are rare, if not non-existent. It’s completely valid to have expectations in a relationship. But friendships that are purely conditional can be extremely toxic. If your first thought when you meet someone is to size them up and consider how they might be useful to you, that is a conditional relationship.

People rarely remember what you say, they remember how you made them feel. When you are generous with people, they feel grateful and positive. Generous people build trust in relationships because they earn respect and appreciation. Your real reputation is how people talk about you when you are not in the room. When you are generous, people will tell others and the more people you help, the more your positive reputation grows. It’s the exact opposite of how they speak of someone when they complain about someone who always wants something from you. You don’t want to be known as a “taker,” because no one wants to work with someone with that reputation.

Once you stop being transactional, it can be life-changing. People will see you differently because you become less conditional and petty. You will also be free from keeping tabs on others. You will no longer need to feel awkward because you only approached others when in need. Being transactional is short-term and myopic. It stems from a scarcity mindset. When you have an abundance mindset, you are able to think long-term and big picture. It is truly liberating when you go from a claustrophobic mindset focused on the small things to opening up your mind to an expansive world of opportunities and possibilities.

Limiting Your Career and Network

If you only think in transactions, then you will only do the tasks that are required of you. You will do the job of the title you’ve been given. When you do so, you limit your upward mobility. The way to get recognized and promoted is to always be doing the work of the job you want, not the job you have. You have to think beyond what you are currently being paid to do, taking on the work of your managers to prove to others that you deserve that role. Instead of passively waiting for a promotion, demonstrate the skills and behaviors expected of the higher level role. Don’t ask permission, just exceed expectations. Take initiative and develop the skills you need for that next job or role. Build a strong reputation which will open doors to more opportunities. You can wait until people entrust you with a chance, or you can take that chance yourself and earn their trust without waiting. Transactional people are short-term thinkers that don’t have the foresight to take that chance, because they’re too busy thinking about not being compensated for the additional effort.

This transactional mentality can also limit your network. When you only spend your time doing things that have an explicit or tangible return, you miss out on opportunities to meet people that can be extremely valuable and helpful. Some people might think volunteering or being on a board of a non-profit is not a good use of time. In reality, spending time contributing to causes you care about with others that share that passion, helps build authentic relationships. Those connections may or may not become useful in the future in other ways outside of the cause. A short-sighted transactional thinker would have missed out on those connections entirely.

Be Proactive and Generous

Don’t wait to be asked to do something, be the first to initiate. If you can make something happen, do it. Help that person who is looking for a job connect to someone in their field who might hire them. Introduce that person who is raising money to an investor with a matching investment thesis. Set up that person with someone you think they are compatible with. These are all ways that you can proactively create value for others without being asked. It might not work out, but that’s ultimately not on you. You know your network and resources better than anyone, so you should be able to connect the dots between their needs and your haves. Use your judgment obviously, on whether or not the person is trustworthy and wouldn’t damage your reputation with your existing relationships.

People who see everything as zero-sum will always feel like being generous must come at a cost to them. In their minds, in order for someone to win, someone must lose. Whereas people with an abundance mindset think about the bigger picture and how giving to others can be a win-win. They believe that it is possible to grow the pie bigger for everyone and that if someone else succeeds, it can benefit everyone including, but not always, yourself. You just have to be okay without reaping any benefits when you help someone else.

People Remember

Call it karma, call it good will, but whatever you call it, it will be beneficial for you. When you do good things for others, unsolicited, most people will remember. They are grateful for your effort and thoughtfulness. That’s what builds trust and recognition. That’s how you form a good reputation. When you have a strong reputation, people will open up their networks to you and make an effort to help you in return. You shouldn’t do good deeds with that expectation obviously, but in human psychology reciprocity is a natural tendency. As long as you’re not keeping a running tab on favor debts, then you won’t be consumed by what you believe others “owe” you. Focus on building up your reputation and things will even out in the end.

Don’t Be a Doormat

One caveat to all of this is that having an abundance mindset and being generous, does not mean that you should allow yourself to be taken advantage of. If you are giving your all at work, and are not being recognized for it after a while, it’s time to speak up or leave. If you are constantly helping someone but they seem to be taking it for granted or abusing your kindness, you should consider cutting them off. You don’t need to assume that you should be receiving something in return, but you also shouldn’t let yourself become a doormat for others to use and walk all over. When you start seeing noticeable patterns, act accordingly.

Asian American Stereotypes

The negative stereotype of Asians in America is that they are frugal or stingy. This dates back to the racist stereotypes of the 1800s when people were threatened by laborers and portrayed them as crafty tricksters who were not to be trusted. The vitriol led to communities of bigots burning down local Chinatowns around the country which ultimately resulted in the first ban of immigrants by nationality U.S. history with The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882.

Ironically, in Asia there is no such stereotype, as people there tend to be very generous, often comically bending over backwards to care for their guests or physically fighting over who pays the bill after a meal at a restaurant. When Asians immigrated to America with next nothing, it was much more difficult because had nothing to be generous with. The scarcity mindset comes from scraping and saving every penny because you need it to survive. Asian American comedians joke about being kids at a restaurant and only being able to order water or taking way more napkins than you needed. Anyone who has lived in poverty from paycheck to paycheck knows the fear of not being able to pay the next bill or feed your family. When you are constantly fixated on not having enough, it’s hard to not be transactional, because every single transaction matters so much. When you are transactional, it’s hard to be generous, because you end up keeping tabs. You hate being indebted to anyone, but you also rarely forget a debt owed to you. It’s hard to change that mentality even when you start generating significant wealth and it is passed down to the next generation.

Unfortunately, for children of Asian immigrants, their relationships with their parents can feel transactional. There is an unspoken pact of filial piety that Asian children need to meet or exceed the expectations of their parents and are indebted to them for their sacrifices. They are only pleased or satisfied when they approve of the child’s performance. When you get an A+, you know it will make your parents happy and proud. But if you get a B, you are ashamed because it will disappoint your parents. It is a sense of love that is conditional on results, which is extremely toxic and unfair. This is why Asians have the highest rate of suicides among teenagers. Because if they don’t make their parents proud or give them something to brag about, they feel like failures. And some parents, traumatically reinforce that horrible feeling.

Screencaps from Reddit posts from Asian high school seniors after college decisions were announced

When you see every interaction as transactional, you focus on the small and short-term which is right in front of you. If you lift up your head, and see what is ahead and stop clinging to the temporary and fleeting, you can do so much more for yourself and for others. Being known as transactional only damages your reputation and decreases your identity capital. Stop thinking about things as isolated events. Every interaction and event is a domino, that can lead to more opportunities and better outcomes if you pull back and see the bigger picture. Once you realize this, you will have a wider lens on your life and relationship building.